Billion Dollar Movies

rich media

In the history of the worldwide box office there have only been 3 movies ever to gross over one billion dollars.

Number 1 clocking in at 1.8 billion in ticket sales is Titanic – winner of 11 Oscars and revealed Kate Winslet’s gorgeous breasts which caused a young Geoff Pitman at age 11 to hand write a 6 page love letter and send it to Kate Winslet herself. Interestingly enough a rewritten version of that letter without any of the – I saw your tits in Titanic parts – made it in to Ani Hatza’s hands (a girl I was obsessed with in elementary school) with my signature. Geoff was always getting me in to trouble. In the end Titanic affected us all and was worthy of its mighty box office stature. Enough said.

Number 2 on the list with a smooth 1.2 billion in ticket sales is my personal favorite movie of all time – The Return of the King. I know the hobbits may seem a little gay, and who knows, maybe the reason I love them so much is because I was drenched in estrogen in the womb, but every time Sam picks up Frodo and starts carrying him up the mountain… I start tearing up. Also the recipient of 11 Oscars, I think we can all agree that Return of the King deserves its billion dollar haul.

Number 3 on the list with 1.06 is the second pirate’s movie – Dead Man’s Chest. I was in Japan, being my insane media obsessed self, dying to see Dead Man’s Chest the second it came out. The fortunes smiled upon me, as they usually do, when Elly found out about a sneak preview in Tokyo’s Ropongi Theater. The tickets were 35$ bucks a pop, I shit you not, but it was well worth it. We walk in to this huge ridiculous state of the art movie theater that was packed. There were a ton of people dressed up, and not just attendees, there were professionally paid actors dressed up in some serious costumes. And the best part was, not only was there Captain Jack and the pirates crew (me and Captain Japanese Jack are pictured below), but Darth Vader and some Jedi’s were there too. The first time I saw Dead Man’s Chest I loved it. It was funny, epic, had some amazing visuals and was just a good time. As the credits rolled I thought back to the beginning of the movie when Darth Vader and those Jedis were walking around. I thought to myself – maybe this is the next Star Wars. I felt that the general consensus was that people didn’t like Dead Man’s Chest because it didn’t come to any conclusions, but that certainly didn’t bother me. I walked out of that theater in Tokyo with supreme confidence that Pirates 3 would be one of the sweetest movies I’d ever see and that it would conclude an amazing trilogy that may eventually be considered among the best. It won the Oscar for special effects, and spun off a great dice game called ‘Pirate Dice: A Game of High Seas Deception’ that has become a staple at my apartment. As you all know I’m not much of a drinker, but I think that Pirate Dice: A Game of High Seas Deception would be a great drinking game that should be tried by all. You can pick it up at your local Wal-Mart for $15.99. So anyway… because of the fun time, the spin off dice game, the absurdity of Darth Vader being at the premier, the Oscar and the prospect of an amazing concluding third movie, I’ve deemed Dead Man’s Chest worthy of its billion dollars.

billion

I tried to think back to this summer’s movies with a positive sentiment. The first time I saw Transformers I loved it, although the second time it sorta lost me half way. Ratatatouille was really heartwarming, although it must have been missing something because two of the girls I saw it with walked out. The Judd Apatow team made the summer for me with Knocked Up and Superbad, which were maybe the two best movies all summer. Even so, I can’t help but being extremely disappointed with this summer because there’s this huge thorn in my side called Spiderman 3. Spiderman 3 suffered from tangling too many plot lines that I didn’t care about into a mess. Then there’s a thorn that’s so big in comparison to the Spiderthorn that it might as well be a pebble in my urethra that I can’t pee out. That pebble is Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. What the fuck happened? I’ve talked to one person who liked this movie, one person, and his name is Ian Lopez. He thought it was “epic and visually stimulating,” end quote. Sorry E, I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one. Pirates 3 was a joke. Let me outline one side plot for you that you may not have had time to really think about. Remember that girl from Pirates 2 that looked like an African gypsy that hadn’t brushed her teeth ever, but was still kinda hot? It turns out she is the human form of Calypso, goddess of the sea, who appointed Davy Jones, her lover, to ferry the dead to the next world. In return he could step on land once every ten years to fuck her, but one time she didn’t show up so he became a crustacean monster that doesn’t ferry dead people but just pirates around being a douche bag. The pirates eventually decide to free Calypso, which apparently means turning her into a bunch of crabs (coincidentally the same crabs from Jack Sparrow’s 20 minute acid trip that had nothing to do with the movie) that do nothing and then she is never seen or heard from again. Ian also said in his defense “I’m very easy to please.” I’m easy to please too, especially when I’m hyped about a movie like I was for Pirates, but I honestly wish I could have the 3 and a half hours of my life back (even though I’d probably waste it watching episodes of Flight of the Conchords I’ve already seen). Even Adam Shelly who I would classify as a serious pirates lover thought 3 was “just stupid.” Pirates 3 is currently boasting ticket sales of .96 billion and is likely to be the 4th billion dollar movie by the time it farts out. I plead to all, please don’t go see the inevitable next pirate’s movie. I hope they spend a fortune on making it. I hope they make the most expensive movie in the history of movies to follow up their two previous billion dollar movies. And then I hope that no one goes to see it. Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer both need a big kick in the balls for Pirates 3, and what better way to do it then them losing half a billion dollars on Pirates 4. Unfortunately we live in an unfair world, and I’m sure everyone will go see Pirates 4. Shit, even I’ll see it. It saddens me so deeply that we the people of the world gave Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney a billion dollars to not only waste 3 and a half hours of our lives but also to destroy the spirits of all those out there who hoped for another holy trilogy to worship. I’m glad Darth Vader wasn’t at the premier of Pirates 3, he might have force strangled us all in a blind insane fury sparked from the pure horrendousness of the film.

– Rich

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. i wanna go 2 japan………

  2. Rich-
    Pirates 2? Really? OK, I’ll let you have it. Fun story though…

    I loved Black Pearl as I’m sure you did. What a film. So I worked very hard on my Jack Sparrow impersonation (mostly while drunk) and for the second film decided to do it big. My friends and I all dressed up as pirates (I was Jack in full garb with mascara and eye liner) and pregamed on a SHIT load of Caribbean rum. I got a designated driver (poor bastard) to drive us up to KOP while playing the score. We were all sufficiently sloshed and singing pirate songs. (what are there like 2?) Upon arrival we turned my friends mom’s mini van into the pearl. We had spray painted cardboard for the bow and rudder and a noodle mast. (sadly no pictures exist) It was at this time the designated driver slowly drove back and forth on the main strip in front of the theater where I road in side saddle on the mini van. I was going for the effect Jack has in the 1st where he arrives at port royal. This is why we’re friends.

    Jess

  3. I want to throw up a prediction that The Dark Knight and possibly the 3rd High School Musical Movie will crack the billion dollar mark.

  4. I figured it was worth an update to this tome since The Dark Knight is likely to cross the one billion mark in the next couple of weeks. It is certainly deserving of its mighty hall, being that I find myself hard pressed to find a movie I’d rather see. Why so serious?, you may ask. Because Batman is no joke despite Clooney’s pointy nipples. My boy Chris Nolan is a genius.

  5. and completing the list so far…titanic, lotr-rok, poc-dmc, the dark knight and the da vinci code…so that’s five…and it’s haul not hall…blessings


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