You Don’t Seriously Think Vantage Point is Going to Be Good, Do You?

mellermedia
I first saw the trailer for Vantage Point months ago and immediately turned to my friend and said, “That’s going to eat some serious ass.” He nodded in agreement, and I thought that was that. I thought no one in the world would be duped into thinking that piece of serious shit would be at all good. I thought the shittiness would ooze out of the screen and leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Apparently, I was wrong.

vantage

Now people, I know February is a slow month for movies. February is by far the worst month of the year. The lack of movies, teamed with the cold and fucking snow makes it dismal. I thought everyone in the world would simply lower their heads for a month and kind of push through it. Write it off. So imagine my surprise when a large number of people told me that they were “really pumped” for Vantage Point. I guess they just needed something to look forward to.

Let me say it here, loudly, so everyone knows, VANTAGE POINT IS GOING TO SUCK BALLS. It’s going to make Smokin’ Aces look like a cinematic fucking masterpiece. If you see it, that $9 is gone and you’d probably be much less pissed if you simply lit some cash on fire. Fire is at least fun. Still don’t believe me? Let’s take a closer look.

To start with, there’s an inexperienced writer/director team. Barry Levy used to teach Hebrew School before he sold this, his first script, so you can rest assured that there will be a not-too-subtle message behind all of this somewhere that the Palestinians are dirty fuckers. Director Pete Travis makes his feature film debut in this movie as well. Sure you can claim his BAFTA award for Best Single Drama (The equivalent of Best TV Movie) gives him some cred, but winning that award is the same as being the smartest guy on the short bus. A first time writer-director combo isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s not exactly an auspicious start.

Let’s get to the cast. This movie is rife with mediocre acting. Yeah, Forest Whitaker can sometimes be good. Sometimes. And unless Sigourney Weaver is killing aliens she pretty much sucks. Despite my love of “Lost,” I think Knocked Up best summarizes my feelings on Matthew Fox. I really could care less about Dennis Quaid. He really hasn’t enhanced my enjoyment of any movie. Any role he played could have been done better by someone else. Including “that guy Corky, and he’s actually retarded.”

The plot behind Vantage point looks too convoluted to be even watchable. There looks to be about 8000 twists in this movie. The presidents dead! Oh wait, that’s a double! Oh but they have the real president! Something blew up! Forest Whitaker switched lazy eyes! AHHHH! “But I like twists!” you protest. Sure you do, everyone likes a movie with a good twist. The key part of that phrase being “a good.” Meaning one, singular smart and well earned twist. Ever see Reindeer Games? Thank god you haven’t. It had about 17 twists and by the end I was covered in my own vomit. If by now you still aren’t convinced, the movie runtime is 90 minutes. 90 minutes! That’s nothing. It takes me longer to take a shit. Are we really expected to explore these 8 crazily different view points in 90 minutes? No fucking way. The last time I saw a non-comedy at 90 minutes was a movie called Crank, which was just as big a piece of shit that Vantage Point is going to be.

– Meller

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. it takes you 90 minutes to shit? that sucks, man.

  2. god simmer meller and stop being so angry. you sound like ian drunk.

  3. Trash, complete trash. The trailer is a massive dump rolled up in a diaper served with indian food. Glad someone has sense. I can’t believe my friends think this is worth admission…

  4. Soooo predictable. Most ‘shittiest’ film i have ever seen. WASTE OF MONEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  5. Yup. The movie sucks.


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