Why Jäger Bombs are for Douche Bags & Red Bull Should be Banned

Densen post

For those Trifecta faithfuls out there, and I’m talking the day one cats (yeah, all seven of you not including Warsh, Danny, and Rich’s family), you will remember that I have some dislikes from my introduction. For the Trifecta stumble upons here is a quick recap in no particular order, they are: jean shorts, stupid people, and bees. Today I’d like to add Jäger bombs to that list, as well as each of its components. For those of you who have never spent a long night at a Señor Frogs / Hooters / Carlos / Charlies / (Insert generic cheesy bar chain) and have no idea what I’m talking about, a Jäger bomb is a combination of Jägermeister and energy drink. In the proper form, it is a shot of Jäger that is dropped into half a glass of Red Bull. I am certainly not the first to be drinking the haterade in regards to Jäger bombs, but I have an even better reason than the fact that people who consume them regularly are most likely douche-bags (the infamous My New Haircut video serves as evidence). My hatred for Jäger is rooted in cold hard facts.

Jäger is alcoholic liquorice-candy, and serves no purpose other than to intoxicate. Not a single redeemable drink can be made from Jäger (no, Liquid Crack is not a redeemable drink; now take off those damn jeans shorts!). If you want to get drunk, there are a million better options other than Jäger (a million and one if you count MadDog 20/20’s “Bling Bling Blue Raspberry” flavored fortified wine), so why not try one? Here are some suggestions that may surprise you in that they are tasty, complex, worldly AND can get you staggeringly drunk:

dogfish

Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA:

India Pale Ales were first brewed with lots’o hops to help the beer survive the long boat ride from England to India back in the day. This extra-hoppy version clocks in at a surprising 19% ABV, which means drinking a four pack (they don’t sell sixers of this stuff) is equal to about 16 regular beers in alcohol content. Hooray Beer!

cachaca

Cachaça:

This Brazilian made liquor is a close cousin of rum except it’s made from sugar cane instead of the molasses obtained from sugar cane. It has a mellower flavor and is the key ingredient in a cocktail called a caipirinha, which is like a better, stronger, mojito. To prepare, muddle half a lime and 2 tsp. sugar in an old-fashioned, fill with ice, and add a shot or two of cachaça. Pitú is the name of the only brand of cachaça I have ever seen in the US.

mezcal

Mezcal con Gusano:

This literally means ‘liquor with worm’ in Spanish. Mezcal is a type of liquor made from agave, and can include a worm (or scorpion) in the bottle to add flavor. Tequila is also made from agave, and is similar to Mezcal, but NEVER includes a worm (tequila production is heavily regulated and region-restricted, just as champagne and cognac are). Mezcal has a ‘wilder’ taste than your pal Jose Cuervo, so prepare to cowboy up.

Now that you all have some new options to explore, I’ll quickly wrap this up so you can go try one of them. But first, I must denigrate the other half of the Jäger bomb: Red Bull. I personally think Red Bull tastes like doo-doo butter, but that’s not even why I despise it so. My hate stems from the fact that, like Jäger, it serves no purpose. Sure it has caffeine, but why not drink coffee or pop a No-Doz? That way you’ll skip on the sugar and taurine found in Red Bull. Not only do we, the energy drink scientific community, not fully understand the effects of significant taurine consumption over time, but that shit, and I kid you not, is a derivative of bile (yeah, THAT bile) and hasn’t been proven to be energy providing. But go ahead and sling back seven more of those bad boys this weekend. Hell, make em Jäger bombs, you might as well. Oh yeah, did I mention that Red Bull is BANNED in several countries, including Denmark, France, and Iceland due to health concerns? Oh well, drinks up, and Salut!

– Densen

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hi I read your post on cachaca and that Pitu is the only brand that you have tried. Please shoot me and e-mail and we can change that real easy.

    Cheers,

    Cachaca Dave

  2. did something bad happen at formal happen with jager bombs?

  3. ha, great article. jager really IS for douche-bags… raise the roof.

  4. while i realize that jager is not the best liquor ever, as a proud member of the jager family i am offended at your one-sided review

  5. Jager is good drink by itself. It tastes a lot better IMO than sipping scotch or brandy.

  6. Jager is the shit. Anyone who can’t drink jager or jager bombs are douche bags.


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