So, here’s a little article that I’ve been patiently waiting to bless y’all with for quite some time. In truth, it’s more like an epic tome, but I think it’s finally time. It’s the hot, wet, sticky summer, its wedding season, and spring is fresh in our minds. And there’s nothing on TV: conditions are perfect. Also, as I have written a lot of cover letters of late, I’ve been aching to scribe something truly meaningful. Something tells me I can’t use this as a writing sample for potential employers, but nonetheless, here it is, Just The Facts on Just The Tip.
Fact #1: Most, probably all, readers of this article will disagree with the parameters I lay out for JTT. Many will not like the principles. Some will find it childish, ignorant, garish or off-color. A few will be very offended. But all will find that is does exactly what Just The Tip discussions are meant to do: stimulate (debate that is, you’re so immature). I’m hoping for a long, hard (as in challenging, shame on you!) discussion thread.
Fact #2: When I say JTT, we’re not talking bout Jonathan Taylor Thomas anymore. When you get old enough, JTT takes on a whole new meaning.
What is that meaning, you might ask. Just what is Just The Tip? Before I get into the specifics, let’s break it down nice and slow. Do I have your consent dear reader? Good. JTT is an age old ‘game’ if you will, more like a tango, played out, often inebriatedly, in beds, futons, public restrooms, and backseats of minivans (a personal favorite) across America each and every night. It’s the gray area between the “everything but” hook-up and Pleasure Town. In my younger years, the simpler times, I had thought that things were pretty black and white. Either you had sex with someone or you didn’t. Oh ignorant bliss, I had no idea how wrong I could be. There IS a gray area, no matter what your friends, hook-ups, or the law says to the contrary.
Fact # 3: JTT as a phenomenon is alive and well. A little too much so if you ask me. [Ed. Note: While I can only speak to the existence of JTT in the heterosexual community, I’d have to think its presence is felt in the gay community as well, making it a nearly society-wide experience. It is not all-encompassing; however, as my guesstimate is that it does not exist in the bestiality, necrophiliac or Brazilian-fart-porn communities]
So, JTT is the uncomfortable gray. And to be honest, I’m pretty comfortable wandering that gray, and as such will act as your guide. But, as with all gray areas, it will become an exercise in line-drawing, and slippery-slope arguments will certainly be in effect. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though; I will lay out these lines later in the article, I’m just warming up for now.
Fact #4: I have played JTT much more than the average person. This certainly affects my views on the game and its rules of engagement. I thought people were playing more often, but apparently I am one of the few in the PJTTL [Professional JTT League, of course. There used to be an arena league, but they went under two years back].
Hopefully my experience will be helpful to you. After reading this manifesto, my aim is that each reader not only has a better understanding of the phenomenon, but goes on to explore it more themselves. JTT can be wonderful when used correctly and in the right amounts, kind of like with truffle oil in cooking, or with heroin in a homeless person’s arm.
Fact #5: I hate to say it, but Fitty was right. In his song ‘Just A Little Bit’ he raps “All a nigga really need is a little bit, not a lot baby girl just a little bit,” which is pretty true. That’s not to say that after a night of playing, I think: “I’m glad I didn’t get to really have sex last night and just played JTT”. But at times, JTT ends up being what you NEEDED. It’s a good way to find out a little bit about someone / their expectations / craziness etc. before it’s too late. Because we all have woken up in the morning after not stopping at JTT, not collecting $200, and going directly to jail, a.k.a hearing “We are SOOOO perfect together. We should name our first kid Linoleum, and call her Lynn for short! I’m so glad we found each other”. Well, maybe you haven’t heard that, but the point is that sex is a variable experience for people. What was casual, carnal, and hedonistic for one may have been raw, emotional, and deeply connecting for another. Fuck, I recently heard about a woman who BRANDED a guy with a hot wire hanger bent into an ‘R’ because he never called her after they had sex. This was over two YEARS after the one-night stand. I bet he wishes he stuck with JTT so he could’ve found out first [The article is here: Woman Brands Thoughtless Date With Hot Iron, read it, it’s actually more ridiculous than I can adequately describe here].
I stand by this statement as true, very true indeed… buuuuuuuut… Yeah, there’s a ‘but’. So calm down a second you haters of Fact #5, cause Fact #6 has you covered.
Fact #6: JTT is all you need, but it certainly isn’t all you want. I believe it was the sagely words of a recent Dr. Pepper commercial that said “I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now”. And you can’t question the wisdom of the Dr., because he managed to make a wildly successful soda that is delicious, yet flavored like nothing real. It’s kind of like a cherry cola, sort of black cherry, yet doesn’t really taste like cherry when you think about it. Seriously, what the fuck is the Doctor selling me? But I digress. While JTT is useful, and often what’s needed, the tantalizingly sweet taste that is Just The Tip leaves you wanting. Let me put it into terms of the old baseball metaphor of yore: It’s like getting tagged out at home plate. You got there, but you didn’t score. Sure, you were there, no one’s denying that, but you didn’t put up a run, no added notch on the scoreboard (or belt). And THIS ladies and gentleman (and trannies, of whom I know we have a steady readership as one of our writers, whose name rhymes with ‘Meller,’ is quite a close friend to the ladies with the man bits) is where things get interesting.
This is it, there’s no turning back; everything up to here has been mere set-up, the foreplay. Remember the first Fact, review it, and then proceed. Because it isn’t verbal foreplay anymore, we are penetrating the issue.
Fact #7: Just The Tip probably isn’t ‘just the tip’. I’m not saying JTT is a misnomer per se, but if you’re really playing the game, more than the tip is going to get to take a peek inside.
Just the tip is the notion; parameters for the game allow for a full length penetration, a full stroke if you will. Before you even THINK about raising an objection reader, let me say this: how ridiculous would it be to say that if any more than the tip enters, even just an iota of shaft, that makes the difference between what is JTT and what is sex. Ok, so that’s a given, you’re all with me. But then how much shaft is allowable? Uh oh, we have ourselves a classic line-drawing dilemma. So fuck it. It’s not how much, it’s how…well…let’s get to the other facts.
Fact #8: How long it is matters. How long in a temporal sense, to clarify (you are so BAD reader, you’re finding innuendo where there clearly is none). Three minutes and fifty nine seconds is the magic number ladies and gentleman. What magic number? The number where JTT definitively becomes sex.
Hold that thought, more specifically that number, for a second. Forget the absurdity of it (or in my case, logic of it) for a second. Let’s get back to the idea of the legitimacy of a time-scale as a determinant before tackling the actual number presented.
This, to me, is the meat of the argument. There is a time-scale. In fact, my inspiration for writing the article was a debate I had with my roommates about how long one can play JTT and still have it be called such. After taking a lady friend home one morning, I came home to find my roommates ready to question me about the previous night’s activities. In my mind, we had played JTT, but as I started to regale my roommates with the events of the previous night, they pointed out it kind of sounded like we crossed that barrier. And from here the great JTT debate was born. So, I know all rational people agree with rule #7, and, yes reader, I admittedly do not like ‘drawing a line’. But during the discourse between my roommates and myself it became clear that we needed some definitive and tangible definitions. It also became clear that the time involved is a relevant metric. Put it this way: according to Fact #7, you are allowed to fully penetrate, and as such, it follows that you can pump some. So is there a cap on pumps, is that how we should draw the line? Can you have a dozen in-and-outs but not 13? Does the baker’s dozen make it sex? Of course not, silly. You could complete 13 pumps in 6 seconds or spread them over the course of 6 minutes. The former is JTT; the latter, I’m not so sure. The quick pumps are more in tune with what we might consider sex. But if you are hooking up with someone, it gets slipped in, a few seconds of pumping go down and then one of the parties slams on the brakes, no one is calling that sex. Would it matter if in those few seconds 2 or twenty pumps occurred. Nope. A temporal scale, then, sounds like the answer. OK, reader, so again you’re with me. But why four minutes, you ask? Surely there is some great reasoning for it…and there is. I arrived at the number, the fact, during the conversation with my roommates. They demanded to know how much time was allowable if a temporal scale is the tool of measure. The answer hit me in an epiphanous moment; four minutes is the most logical time period. Think about what you can do in four minutes. You can microwave a couple of boxes of Hot Pockets in that time. That’s a lot of food. But, it’s the darndest thing; they won’t be cold enough to eat. None of em. They take so damn long to cool. After four minutes though, you’d have enough time to make them, let them cool, and start eating. Woooooah, you may be saying, what does Hot Pockets have to do with this? Everything. They are an encapsulation of JTT. Somewhere between a meal and a snack. And during the first four minutes, all you can manage is a hot little test-bite, nothing more. But after four, you can have it all. Still not convinced (honestly, I can’t see how you wouldn’t be by now. My argumentation skills are flawless), then try these examples on for size. In four minutes you can: watch a third of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode, just enough to get a taste without blowing your Meatwad; do half of Eight Minute Abs, because, really, who needs the whole eight minutes; listen to the recent Justin Timberlake and Madonna smash hit, “Four Minutes”; watch four minutes of MadTV, enough to decide you will NEVER watch it again; toast a bagel and schmear it heartily with cream cheese…the list goes on. You see, four minutes is enough to do a lot of things like get an exciting taste (as with Aqua Teen), get enough to know this is a bad idea (as with MadTV), or get warmed up and prepared for the big show (as with toasting and schmearing a bagel). All of these situations are analogous to JTT, and showcase the sensibility of a four minute barrier.
Fact #9: Intent matters, but so does how you want to feel about it in the morning. Let’s say you were going for a little taste, a midnight snack, but ended up taking more than your fair share. You had, in the words of a college professor of mine, “BOOM…a sex sandwich” (The professor is also a rapper, I kid you not, and he raps under the name Headmess. He is legit (enough), and I hope Paul one day reviews his McNastiness). A sandwich can be a snack and it can be a meal, but let’s face it, it would be generous to call your little romp JTT. Luckily you’re feeling generous. Maybe the other party is your ex’s best friend. Maybe, she has a reputation as a nice girl who doesn’t go around sleeping with people on the first hook up. Maybe he was a little uglier than you’d have liked. Sometimes, it just makes sense for all included to take advantage of the fact that JTT is in the gray. I’m not advocating that one should manipulate this ‘spectrum of sex’ to pretend that you didn’t have sex when you did; that is against my principles. But if you pumped a little, maybe you threw in a few ‘pleasure flicks’ for good measure (ladies, you know you love those), maybe did the put-it-in-take-it-out-repeat, you should take into account the situation before calling it sex or JTT. Going to hook up again for sure? I’m not going to call bullshit if you call that sex (though I will make fun of your obvious lack of closing ability when you’re not around). The bar was dark and you made a bad call? Then that was just some really good, ol fashioned American JTT.
Fact #10: There are rules for JTT, and you just learned them.
That’s it. No whining, no arguing, just pure and total acceptance of my credo. OK, I admit that I don’t personally subscribe to the idea of strict rules, I’m more of a “guidelines” type of guy (I may hate the Bush administration, but I do love how they’ve managed to turn constitutional law into guidelines…ugggh, shit, I’m sorry, I don’t how I managed to go political in THIS article. Seriously, I’m sorry, back to the penis and vagina). I will admit that these are not exactly fixed, that they are static and will evolve and change as the game and the people who play change. Except for the four minute rule. That shit is forever. While they can and should evolve, rules should not be arbitrary; these 10 rules, while they could somewhat be considered the brain-farts of a 20-something on an irrelevant and irreverent subject, are based on experience. Any ‘research’ or musings of your hipster friends are no good here. And for the love of god, NEVER reference Wedding Crashers during an academic discussion of JTT. We all know the quote, early in the film during Vince Vaughn’s rant to his secretary who offers to set him up on a blind-date: “…are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels…” Absolutely not. Wedding Crashers has no place at this table (reader, I’m very serious about this one). If you want to quote Vince Vaughn, go rent “Swingers” and then we can talk some shit.
So there they are, in full, and frankly stated: Just the Facts on Just the Tip. Reader, thank you for sticking with me til the end of this one, I know it was one long, hard (there you’re dirty mind goes again) read. Please feel free to post your comments, amendments (though none will be taken as these are THE facts), and hatred of me below. I will try to check on them frequently to continue the discourse on quasi-intercourse. Cheers